I love my body?

Yes, a question mark. My body does amazing things. Things it couldn't do a few years ago. For example:

• 15 push ups on my toes (probably more, the truth is, I haven't tried).
• Hold a plank on my toes for 1 minute 15 seconds.
• Skate 25 laps in less than 4 minutes.
• Squat, squat, do more squats, and then squat more.
• Carry Agent N on my back (he is about 70 lbs!)

But I am still a big girl.

When I joined roller derby, I saw it as a place where big girls were GOOD. Big was beneficial. Basic physics says that force = mass x acceleration. I have more mass than you and I have decent acceleration therefore I have more force.


But the more I play, the more I see these teeny tiny players getting amazing and I'm still a thorn in their collective sides, but.... but I don't know. I'm fast. I'm the fastest blocker on my team. I'm faster than some of our jammers. I'm proud of this! I am! But damnit if I don't want to look like them.

I want to fit in a smaller size. That's all. It's vanity. It's self doubt. It's not accepting who I am right now. If I died tomorrow, they wouldn't say "she was fat" at the funeral. Right? I mean, please tell me they wouldn't. They would say that I was a mom, a teacher, a derby girl. That I gave 100% in everything I did (except cleaning the house). That sometimes I got angry when other people weren't willing to believe in themselves.

Oh. hey. Let me think about that one.