Adulting at a High Level

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. 100% of the best part of growing up is making your own decisions.

Eat breakfast food all the time? Yes. Pancakes all the time. Delicious.

Go on vacation wherever you want? Yes.

Wear whatever you want? Yes.

Have a messy room? Why not?

Refuse to make your bed? Doesn't matter.

Fail to clean the bathroom every Saturday? Still get to go out.

Today, I'm sitting here while sweaty dudes make very loud noises on my roof. Today they're tearing the old one off. The rest of the week they'll be putting a new one on. What you don't realize as a kid is that there's a sense of satisfaction in knowing that as an adult, you can order a major home improvement project. And the feeling of accomplishment in knowing that you can pay for it.

My bed isn't made. My clothes aren't put away. I had a bagel for breakfast because pancakes are a pain in the butt. I didn't clean the bathroom this weekend. I'm wearing a t-shirt and spandex shorts because I'm going to work out in a couple of hours and there's no purpose in getting something else dirty beforehand.

All those things I learned to do as a kid, I'm ignoring. Regardless, I'm still acting like an adult at a pretty high level.

Adulthood is BULLSHIT or, I have a midlife crisis

You, my friend, you have been lied to.

By everyone.

I don't want this to be true, but it is. 

Here's the lie: 

If you work hard and are a good person, everything will be fine. 

Bullshit, my friends. 

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

But people don't say this.

1. Most people don't want to admit that they're running on the hamster wheel of life. 
2. Some people just don't care. 
3. Some people really are happy with where they are and what they've become. note: you can't ask them for the secret because here's the secret- everyone is different. 

Here's how it works:

You bust your ass in school to go to a good college or get a good job. I'm here to tell you not everyone should go to college, but that's another post.

Let's say you choose the college track. You go to college, you incur debt, you graduate. Maybe you don't go into debt you lucky son of a biscuit, but I did.

I laughed so hard I cried. It's funny because it's true.

You work, you realize that the career you chose as an 18 year old who isn't yet old enough to drink legally is not one you want to do for the rest of your sentient days on the earth.

You change fields. Maybe you go back to school. Maybe you become an intern at age 28 because you want to do something else but don't have experience. Maybe you take a job that doesn't even require a degree.

You find a job. You might love it. You might hate it. You keep doing it anyway. 

You keep paying that loan. If you went back to school, you pay on the 2nd one. You realize you'll be in your 50s by the time they are paid off.

Along the way, you may find someone to love. If you do and you are able to make it legal, the first thing people ask is when you're going to have kids.

If you don't find someone to love, you are pressured by everyone, everywhere, all the time, to find that person.


Somewhere along the way you buy a house. Houses are a lot of work, even if they're in good condition. The upkeep can be a little oppressive. You might have an ant problem, little fuckers.

nightmare fodder, right here. 

And then you realize- this is it. This is what I've worked hard for all of my life.

And then you realize- this is it. Is this it? Why is this it? Is there more? Am I an asshole for wanting there to be more? 

This, my friends, is what they call a mid-life crisis. I judge them. I condemn those that call it a crisis. The day I stop questioning all there is the day I die.

Why are we expected to have all these life changes and major upheavals and then suddenly settle down and relax? By the time we figure out how to deal with all the change life throws at us, we are supposed to just peacefully pull weeds and drink tea?

There's no conclusion to this post... not yet. Stay tuned for more on my..


(does that accurately convey irony?)

Howling in Pain.

Not quite howling. *note: this post contains profanity.

I seem to recall someone saying "I threw out my back." ... for my whole life. They did it playing racquetball (hah! the 80s!) or brushing their teeth (hah! the 90s! ... I'm kidding. Good dental hygiene is always in style.) or picking socks up off the floor.

For me, I did it lifting weights. At least I have a studly excuse.

At first I didn't know what happened. I had a lovely session with my trainer, then I did my workout for The New Rules of Lifting: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess. I'm still in phase one of this workout and it's not terribly hard. So anyway, I did the workout.

My back was a bit sore. Nothing major. I didn't do anything unusual or crazy.

And then I did some foam rolling. My trainer occasionally scolds me in the way that a 20 something woodsprite looking thing can scold me and says I don't foam roll enough after lifting. Since my back did not feel awesome, I foam rolled a bit.

Neither I, nor my trainer, look like this dude.

Then I went home and I sat down to dinner. No, I didn't shower, I prefer dinner at a reasonable hour and will put off showering to eat. And when I sat down, my back said:  WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

For the record, I turned 39 a month-ish ago. I had never once thrown out my back. I didn't even know what the hell that meant.

Here I am, 5 days later. I have been able to get up, walk around, and I did yoga and lifted weights on Saturday. I have not been confined to my bed. I have only taken copious amounts of pain medication at night.

However, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. Why does this happen? Just one day, your back is like NOPE. Not going to operate like a normal back right now. Sorry.

I mean, COME ON. I have treated you moderately well, back. I get the occasional massage. I used to go to the chiropractor until they started harassing me to come 3 days a week. I occasionally sit in the jacuzzi at the gym with a jet pounding on you for a minute. I'm NICE. 

Whatever, back. You suck.