Old, and getting older.

There have been a lot of things written about the age of people who are involved with church.

What we can do to keep the next generation (if you only read one, read this one- it really spoke to me)
Congregations getting older
How churches can bring young people back from (ugh) Fox News

As I sat around a table with fellow parents of kids from 6th-12th grade last Sunday, I realized something that I know my Assistant Rector who is in charge of youth programs and the Rector who is just in charge in general realized ages ago- we have a problem.

The problem isn't with the kids. It's with the parents. The kids can't get there by themselves.

My kid had never, not once, been to Sunday school. I wouldn't take him. The only reason I went last week is because I have such fond memories of youth group when I was in middle and high school. I also have some not-fond memories, but whatever, everyone has stuff like that in middle & high school. Anyway, I didn't take him before, because for adults, Sunday school is sitting and listening to someone. And then go to church, and listen to someone else. I do not have the patience for that. I need some interaction. I need discussion. I need problem solving. I want to be with my peers, too. And my peers aren't at church. Well, not many of them.

The alternative to listening to someone was teaching, but I didn't want to teach to little kids. I don't like little kids. I teach high school for a reason. But women always get asked to teach little kids. And I teach 5 days a week already. I didn't really want to go teach on yet another day. As it is, I teach 2-3 children church sessions a year, and I dread each one.

I love my church leaders, they are amazing humans, and I know they have very full plates, and I don't want to tell them no. So I just avoid them. Sorry. I know you're reading this. You probably already figured that out, though. I know it's passive aggressive of me.

As I was looking around, I realized 2 things:

• There was no one there who looked like me. I have purple streaks in my hair and a nose ring. I was wearing blue glitter nail polish. I was also wearing clothes from Banana Republic, before you get this image of me wearing a Slayer shirt with a mohawk and a tattoo on my neck (it's on my ankle). I'm not that rebellious, but sometimes I stand out in a white bread crowd. And yet...
• Everyone looked like me. We were all white, middle/upper middle class people between 39 (I'm fairly confident I'm the youngest) and 55ish? 60? I don't know. I'm not great with ages of people who are older than I am.  

I've been mulling this over for the past couple of days. I go to a small church in a midsized but rural town. I go to an Episcopal church which has kept ties with the Diocese and the area is fairly conservative. But the town I live in also has a university, which means by it's very nature has some random social liberals wandering the streets. 

These social liberals have kids. I know, because my kids play with them at summer camp, at school, in the neighborhood. A couple of them go to my church. And the ones who do are pretty cool people. But not enough of them are there. 

I grew up in the precursor to a mega church. It was perfectly normal to have 600-700 people on a regular Sunday. Wednesday night youth group would commonly pack the youth room with kids sitting on the floor after the chairs were gone- 50+ kids on a regular basis. None of the leaders were parents of kids who were in the room. They were college students and young married couples. 

Part of the delight of the youth group was the idea that we were always doing things that our parents would have probably not enjoyed. Singing as loudly as possible? Check. Randomly breaking out into tears over various teenage angst coupled with emotional spirituality? Check. Having that guy reach over and take my hand during prayer and not letting go when it was finished? Check. Wash dishes for an entire camp of people and stick my hands into disgusting drains to clean out the food? Check. 

I doubt any of those things would have happened if my parents were there. I would have gone- I would have been forced to go- but I would have been guarded. I would have been intentionally difficult to deal with. 

After this meeting on Sunday, I realized the draw of the "mega church."  I've been to a mega church. I didn't like it. It felt too fake. But it's easy to get your kids involved. You can plug them into a community that will reinforce some kind of values which you hopefully approve of through peer pressure and adults who aren't their parents. And if you choose to, you can not be involved at all. 

I always thought I would be involved with a youth group. I never thought it would be while my own child (or children) was in it. But when I tried to get involved as a college student, I was discouraged from doing so. I was too young, the kids in the youth group were too old and too close to my age, I wanted to change things too much- this was at a different church than the one I grew up in- and there was a strong undercurrent of "and you are too female, which is not ok with us." So it's been about 20 years since I've gotten active with church, and I'm kind of dragging my feet right now. 

Agent N, the 6th grader, needs to do some stuff without me around. He needs to have positive influences in people who aren't his parents. He needs to sing and yell and dance and cry without us watching. But we go to a small church in a midsized town, and so one of us will be watching sometimes. I'm going to try to get involved with other kids but it's hard when you hear your child's voice yelling (Agent N's normal volume) to focus on something or someone else. And it's hard to talk to kids you don't know when you're... like me. I'm a good teacher because it gives me an in- I have something to talk about. And then the kids tell me stuff, so we have something to talk about together. But put me in a room with random people, especially random teenagers, and I'm awkward as hell. I was about 1000 times more confident when I was a teenager. Now I'm a teenager in an adult body. 

And this brings us back around to the beginning. The church has an age problem. Where are the parents? Where are the college students? I have avoided getting involved because of the demands on my time. But if more people got involved, there would be fewer demands on everyone's time because there would be more people to share the workload. But in order to get someone to want to take part of the work, they have to buy in to the concept. 

I don't even know where we go from here. 

Adulthood is BULLSHIT or, I have a midlife crisis

You, my friend, you have been lied to.

By everyone.

I don't want this to be true, but it is. 

Here's the lie: 

If you work hard and are a good person, everything will be fine. 

Bullshit, my friends. 

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

But people don't say this.

1. Most people don't want to admit that they're running on the hamster wheel of life. 
2. Some people just don't care. 
3. Some people really are happy with where they are and what they've become. note: you can't ask them for the secret because here's the secret- everyone is different. 

Here's how it works:

You bust your ass in school to go to a good college or get a good job. I'm here to tell you not everyone should go to college, but that's another post.

Let's say you choose the college track. You go to college, you incur debt, you graduate. Maybe you don't go into debt you lucky son of a biscuit, but I did.

I laughed so hard I cried. It's funny because it's true.

You work, you realize that the career you chose as an 18 year old who isn't yet old enough to drink legally is not one you want to do for the rest of your sentient days on the earth.

You change fields. Maybe you go back to school. Maybe you become an intern at age 28 because you want to do something else but don't have experience. Maybe you take a job that doesn't even require a degree.

You find a job. You might love it. You might hate it. You keep doing it anyway. 

You keep paying that loan. If you went back to school, you pay on the 2nd one. You realize you'll be in your 50s by the time they are paid off.

Along the way, you may find someone to love. If you do and you are able to make it legal, the first thing people ask is when you're going to have kids.

If you don't find someone to love, you are pressured by everyone, everywhere, all the time, to find that person.


Somewhere along the way you buy a house. Houses are a lot of work, even if they're in good condition. The upkeep can be a little oppressive. You might have an ant problem, little fuckers.

nightmare fodder, right here. 

And then you realize- this is it. This is what I've worked hard for all of my life.

And then you realize- this is it. Is this it? Why is this it? Is there more? Am I an asshole for wanting there to be more? 

This, my friends, is what they call a mid-life crisis. I judge them. I condemn those that call it a crisis. The day I stop questioning all there is the day I die.

Why are we expected to have all these life changes and major upheavals and then suddenly settle down and relax? By the time we figure out how to deal with all the change life throws at us, we are supposed to just peacefully pull weeds and drink tea?

There's no conclusion to this post... not yet. Stay tuned for more on my..


(does that accurately convey irony?)

Nerd guys, jock guys, all kinds of guys. #yesallwomen

There are countless posts about that guy that killed his roommates and then some women because he was involuntarily celibate (his words).

Shooter Leaves Digital Trail - in case you don't have the story.

And then I've read two great responses to this from guys who somewhat identified with the killer:
Overcome Your Programming
Your Princess Is In Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds

Let's start at the beginning: To have a good relationship, whether friendship, dating, marriage, whatever, both parties have to be on the same level.

Guys, if you like her more than she likes you, it won't work.
Girls, if you like him more than he likes you, it won't work.

I have been on both ends of this equation. I have really liked a guy (multiple times) who was not at all into me in that way. And I have been really liked by guys who I have not wanted to make out with.

No one is entitled to anything. I didn't realize that the hardest thing to teach my kids is this: your body is your own. No one else's. And when someone says stop, you stop. This is true whether you are arm wrestling or kissing.

As a teacher, I have seen and will continue to see the self-proclaimed "nice guy" who never has a date. I have seen and will continue to see the hot girls that every guy thinks they should go out with.

Not everyone is like this, so read the following with the understanding that I am going to make some generalizations. This is drawn from years of talking with kids who have confided in me about their personal issues.

When a girl likes a guy and he doesn't like her back, her response is to wonder what she did wrong. She wonders: am I too fat? Too skinny? Too tan? Too pale? Too smart? Too dumb? Too blonde? Not blonde enough? And then she sets out to fix those things for him. 

When a guy likes a girl and she doesn't like him in return, his response is to project what he sees as being wrong with her. She's dumb, she's fat, she's a slut, she only wants a rich guy, she's racist. Not all guys, but a lot of guys. Nice guys. Quiet guys. Smart guys. Dumb guys.

Here's the thing: if you complain about your lot in life and don't do anything about it, that is your problem. I hear stories of the nice guys who are so busy complaining and bemoaning their lack of hot girlfriend that they don't realize that the perfectly nice and also attractive girl is willing to date you.

What if that girl set out to fix things for herself? What if she is happy the way she is and she just realized that guy wasn't a good fit for her?

What if that guy set out to fix some things for himself? And what if he realized that he's fine the way he is and that girl just isn't a good fit for him?

When we set realistic expectation for ourselves in other areas of our lives, our peers (usually) don't give us shit. I don't want to be national teacher of the year. I just want to be good at what I do. My friends don't give me shit for that. They don't say that the NTOY people don't know what they're missing. I think George Clooney is attractive. I don't think he's an asshole for not dating me. We're both kind of busy.

I mean. Seriously.

But when people, guys in particular, set reasonable expectations for themselves, their dudebro friends will pile on the shit. The hot girl doesn't know what she's missing, and the perfectly normal, non-supermodel type is desperate.

When girls set reasonable expectations, they're desperate or slutty and that's just bullshit.

Lastly, more than anything else, you should realize that....

There is always, always someone in a similar situation. Quit obsessing. And if you can't quit obsessing, find a professional. 

Life Tips

I keep seeing these lists of "life hacks" and stuff like that. But what if you're not 25? All those lists seem irrelevant to me- I'm a few years outside of their target demographic. So here's a list that's from me and the reason I'm posting it is to serve as a reminder for me. 

1. Use conditioner. 
2. Don't neglect your eyebrows. If you're concerned about aging, use a brow powder. It will take years away immediately. 
3. Your skin changes colors with the seasons. So should your foundation. 
4. If you say, "be honest." to a friend/sister/mom/coworker, expect them to be honest. Don't be butthurt when they are. 
5. If they're not honest, ask someone who is.
6. If you don't want the truth, ask yourself what you are afraid of. 
7. Recognize that you have the freedom to make choices. 
8. Recognize that you are not free from the consequences of those choices, either positive or negative. 
9. Apologize when you've done something wrong. 
10. Don't apologize when you've not done something wrong. 
11. Buy clothes that fit well. 
12. If they don't fit well, either get rid of them or get them tailored. 
13. Don't keep clothes because you spent a lot on them. If they are out of date, faded, or just in general look bad, let it go. 
14. Don't buy something just because it's on sale.  
    
15. Don't apologize for your taste in music. 
16. Don't apologize for who you are. 
17. Comfort does not always equal sloppiness. Wear what makes you comfortable but be neat.
18. Jeans and a t-shirt are perfectly acceptable. 
19. Don't wear tennis shoes, running shoes, sneakers, trainers, whatever you call them- with boot cut jeans. 
20. Read more. 
21. Listen to podcasts. Especially ones that make you laugh. 
22. Give to charity. You'll feel good about it and have a tax deduction. 
23. Save some money. 
24. If you're loyal to a brand, subscribe to their emails. Take advantage of their discounts and bonuses. 
25. Your feelings are valid.
26. Your gut instinct is valid. 
27. While your feelings & gut instinct are valid, it's not always wise to display them publicly.
28. Be skeptical. 
29. Consider the information you're sharing. It can be used against you. 
30. It's ok not to love someone as much as they love you. 
31. You need people in your life who love you as much as you love them. Find and cherish those people.
32. Friendships have the same arc as romantic relationships. It's ok to let them go. 
33. It's also ok to grieve those friendships. 
34. As you get older, you'll realize it's easy to alienate other women by asking, "where do you work?"  Try phrasing it differently, "Do you work?" is a safe choice- it gives them the opportunity to say what they want about their career choice (or lack thereof). 
35. Whether you carry a huge purse or a tiny wallet, make sure what you need fits inside. An overstuffed handbag looks ridiculous. 
36. Subscribe to a fitness email- even if you don't read it, it will remind you to get active. 
37. Find a physical activity you enjoy and do it. 
38. Become part of a team- either at work, or elsewhere. Independence is good, but teamwork reveals things that you need to know. 
39. Honor your commitments. 
40. Realize when your commitments are draining you and excuse yourself gracefully. 
41. Learn the phrase, "I'm sorry, that won't work for me." and then use it. 
42. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world- if you love it, use it anyway. 
    
43. Learn how to use power tools- especially a drill & circular saw. 
44. If you're learning from the internet, watch more than one tutorial video. 
45. When making a choice that affects others, prepare to defend your choice. You may not have to in public, but you will quell your self doubt. 
46. Know that sometimes you'll have to do things you won't really want to do but that won't hurt you to do them. Look for the benefit in doing them anyway.
47. Find people who share your sense of humor - or at least appreciate it. 
48. Hopefully, the same people will be ones with which you can disagree and still remain friends.
49. Makeup can be fun and you are not less of a strong woman if you enjoy it. 
    
50. Dance at weddings, even if you are a crappy dancer. 
51. Be proud of where you come from. 
52. Be proud of where you're going. 
53. Accept that weight loss will not make your life better. 
54. Don't put your life on hold for anything- better job, more money, weight loss, relationship. You may find what you want when you're doing something completely unrelated. 
55. Make goals. 
56. Reward yourself for reaching those goals. 
57. Establish traditions for yourself.
58. Embrace change.
    
    The next part is the if you're a mom or ever plan to be a mom section. 
59. Be the kind of mom your kid(s) need, not the kind you wanted.
60. Don't tell your kid(s) that they will be good at something before they do it. They might not be good at it. 
61. Don't force your kids to bring younger/older brothers/sisters along when they play with their friends. Let them be their own people. 
62. It's ok to enjoy time away from your kids. 
63. Your kid(s) will get mad at you. That means you're doing your job. 
64. Be a good example- what you do is a lot more noticeable than what you say.
65. Hold your kid(s) to a high but not unattainable standard.  
    
66. You will fail at parenting. Learn from it and let it go. 
67. Rewarding every little effort sets kids up for failure. 
68. Encourage your kid(s) to continue what they enjoy even if it's not a choice you would make for them. 
69. Make sure your kid(s) learn the value of honoring their commitments.
70. Don't force your kid(s) to do an extracurricular they hate. But honor the above - if they're in the middle of a season or production or whatever, they should finish it.  (See also: teamwork)
71. Teach your kid(s) manners. 

I'm back...

I started this site a year-ish ago. I didn't post much because I'm one of those people who can't help but name names.

I don't want to embarrass my friends & family, so I backed off.

But I'm back. I have a lot to say. Mostly about kids, crafting, and roller derby.

This morning I heard that a work colleague's 16 month old daughter died yesterday. All the information I have is that she was in an accident & died very shortly after. I never met the child (I've only met her dad once, teaching online and all) but I'm heartbroken none the less. Life is fleeting.