The ants have arrived.

Sports Guy and I bought a house back in November. It's a lovely house with an even more lovely view.

Yes, it's instagrammed. I like it.

In the pic you can't even see the mountains off to the right. But they're there. You can see the cows, though. They're not ours. But we do have cows for neighbors.

The location of this house would have qualified us for a rural loan from the US Dept. of Agriculture, but we make too much (in what universe?) so we went through the regular business.

We had the usual new-to-us problems. The wallpaper was ugly...

This was the paper in Agent N's room. Not quite appropriate for a 9 year old boy.

And then when we took it down, it turned out that they had glued it directly to the drywall, causing us to actually rip out chunks of drywall.

Screw you, wallpaper!

But, we survived. Winter came & went, and it was fairly mild, all was right with the world. Spring arrives, we retrieve the screens from the shed and attempt to wash them. Sports Guy turned on the only outdoor spigot (only one, really) and a little water comes out, but not a lot. Agent N comes screaming into the garage, "Mom! There's water running in the basement!" ... the pipes had cracked (no, we did not leave a hose hooked up, thanks, it cracked because it hates us)  and the water was leaking into the basement. The finished basement. The basement with ceilings like the ones upstairs. So when the plumber came, he had to cut a hole in the ceiling. Luckily, it's a small hole, and I don't give a damn, so it's still there.

As the weather has warmed up, the animals have awakened. The cows had babies and they're SO CUTE. I have no pictures of baby cows. Sorry.

And the ants have woken up. OHOLYCRAP the ants have woken up. So have the flies and the gnats. I now present to you the stages of life with insects:

1. Oh, hey, there's some bugs. I'm gonna put out some traps.
2. OH HELL NO YOU DON'T. Ant poison procured. Solutions researched on the internet & implemented. 
3. Inform Sports Guy that he needs to find an exterminator because I have done all the insect elimination myself & he could pick up a phone for me. Exterminator chides me for leaves next to house foundation. I'm pretty sure that's not the only source of ants, but I clear them away anyway. 
4. ... false sense of security... it appears the ants are gone...
5. WHAT THE F!!!???!!! Ants continue the Bataan Death March, I continue to exterminate on own, while paying exterminator. I start killing ants with bare fingers because I just don't care anymore.
6. Ants declare victory, throw party on deck even though I haven't had a chance to throw party there myself. I die from ant poisoning.

Troll Ant mocks me

Save Yourself the Embarassment: a guide to teacher gifts

It's Teacher Appreciation Week.... as a teacher who used to be in a classroom and was on the receiving end of many a gift, here's a rough idea about things to get and *not* get your kids teacher this year whether it's this week, or the end of the year. Also, I'm not saying you have to get your teacher anything. Most people don't! But if you are planning to do something, here's a way to not embarrass yourself.

A quick Google search shows this: http://shop.cafepress.com/gift-for-teacher ... unless you know your teacher has a desire to collect the most bad mugs ever, don't buy her or him a mug. Note: I'm a female, & my kids have female teachers. I'm using the female pronoun. It's not sexist, it's factual. She has 100, and only uses 1 to hold her pencils. The myth of the teacher as endless coffee drinker is just that: a myth. She has to stay in the classroom all day so she probably has 1 to keep herself awake (or a Diet Coke) and then it's water if it's anything at all. Teachers are the most dehydrated people I know. If you drink something, you have to pee, and you can't leave your room with a bunch of students in it. Where do you think those stories about kids having sex in the classroom come from?

Second, do not get some personalized poem. Just save everyone the trouble. This is awful.

Third, no candles... UNLESS that candle is from an easily recognized source (Bath & Body Works, Yankee Candle) AND... and this is the most important part... it can be easily exchanged. She may only like one smell from there, and wouldn't you rather she actually use the gift you give her? What you think stinks might be her favorite smell!

Fourth, nothing that takes up space on her desk. No "super cute" name signs or #1 teacher things or anything that needs to be dusted & moved & knocked over by students. It will go on a shelf where all the other little trinkety gifts go and she won't remember who gave it to her in a year or two.

Fifth, NOTHING WITH APPLES. Don't make me say this twice.

Sixth, no alcohol. Unless you know her personally outside of just teaching your kid & are willing to give it to her outside of school. You don't want her to lose her job, do you?

Seventh, no food. She gets lots of food and she probably takes a bite & throws it away. UNLESS.... you own a bakery & it's what you do for a living. Once, I had a student whose father owned a Greek restaurant. Baklava? Yes, please!

Now for the part you've been waiting for... what do you get your teacher? 

1. A note from the kid or if the kid is too small, a note from you. This is free. I have a box I keep my notes in & I've never thrown one away. Even now that I teach online, I've had a couple emailed and I print them off & save them. I just read through them the other day and may have gotten a little something in my eye.

If your child is writing the note, don't supervise them. Let them write whatever they want. Maybe they have a special joke with the teacher or if they're small they think the coolest thing ever would be to invite the teacher to come over. Don't worry, she won't take them up on it, but it's from the heart.

2. A gift card... Teachers spend hundreds of their own dollars every year in the classroom.  Even $5 to a local book store or to Target or Books A Million goes a long way. Try to make it a pretty generic store- if you don't know, get a mall gift card that she can use anywhere in the mall. Also good- a gift card to the local teacher's supply store. Those places are usually overpriced, but there are things there you can't get anywhere else.

3. A memory stick/thumb drive/jump drive... whatever you call them. Especially good for middle & high school teachers. They always need more memory and if nothing else, they can loan it out to a student.

4. A care package... I like to start the school year by giving the teacher a gift bag with a travel size bottle of Advil, hand sanitizer, crackers, Hershey's Kisses and other small pre-wrapped foods, pencils, pens, highlighters, post-its, stickers. Teacher's often get stuck in their classroom when they should be eating & sometimes those tiny snacks save a teacher's sanity!

5. A nice travel kit... I had a student get me a lovely monogrammed small toiletry kit. I love it, I still use it, I still think of her when I do. Along the same lines- if you know the teacher fairly well & have a sense of her style, a nice lunch bag is also welcomed.

6. If you're looking for a high-end gift because this particular teacher has been downright amazing and your kid has been a hellion (and you know it) .... get her a gift certificate to a spa. Make sure it covers a massage, but don't actually book it for her. She may hate massages and only want a pedicure or whatever.

7. Classroom supplies- teachers always buy the cheapest stuff out there because it's going to get destroyed. It's always nice when a parent knows that that sort of thing happens. It's nice if you get her funky stuff for her own use- color pens, Sharpies, post-it notes in pretty colors. If you really want to make her happy, ask her what she needs for the kids. If it's paper, college or wide ruled? Pencils? A new pencil sharpener? Construction paper? Glue? A certain type of scissors?

8. Remember that note? That's the most important thing she will get from you. Acknowledge everything she's done. Make it personal. Wish her well. If you really loved her, write one to her supervisor.