Thursday, May 29, 2014

Nerd guys, jock guys, all kinds of guys. #yesallwomen

There are countless posts about that guy that killed his roommates and then some women because he was involuntarily celibate (his words).

Shooter Leaves Digital Trail - in case you don't have the story.

And then I've read two great responses to this from guys who somewhat identified with the killer:
Overcome Your Programming
Your Princess Is In Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds

Let's start at the beginning: To have a good relationship, whether friendship, dating, marriage, whatever, both parties have to be on the same level.

Guys, if you like her more than she likes you, it won't work.
Girls, if you like him more than he likes you, it won't work.

I have been on both ends of this equation. I have really liked a guy (multiple times) who was not at all into me in that way. And I have been really liked by guys who I have not wanted to make out with.

No one is entitled to anything. I didn't realize that the hardest thing to teach my kids is this: your body is your own. No one else's. And when someone says stop, you stop. This is true whether you are arm wrestling or kissing.

As a teacher, I have seen and will continue to see the self-proclaimed "nice guy" who never has a date. I have seen and will continue to see the hot girls that every guy thinks they should go out with.

Not everyone is like this, so read the following with the understanding that I am going to make some generalizations. This is drawn from years of talking with kids who have confided in me about their personal issues.

When a girl likes a guy and he doesn't like her back, her response is to wonder what she did wrong. She wonders: am I too fat? Too skinny? Too tan? Too pale? Too smart? Too dumb? Too blonde? Not blonde enough? And then she sets out to fix those things for him. 

When a guy likes a girl and she doesn't like him in return, his response is to project what he sees as being wrong with her. She's dumb, she's fat, she's a slut, she only wants a rich guy, she's racist. Not all guys, but a lot of guys. Nice guys. Quiet guys. Smart guys. Dumb guys.

Here's the thing: if you complain about your lot in life and don't do anything about it, that is your problem. I hear stories of the nice guys who are so busy complaining and bemoaning their lack of hot girlfriend that they don't realize that the perfectly nice and also attractive girl is willing to date you.

What if that girl set out to fix things for herself? What if she is happy the way she is and she just realized that guy wasn't a good fit for her?

What if that guy set out to fix some things for himself? And what if he realized that he's fine the way he is and that girl just isn't a good fit for him?

When we set realistic expectation for ourselves in other areas of our lives, our peers (usually) don't give us shit. I don't want to be national teacher of the year. I just want to be good at what I do. My friends don't give me shit for that. They don't say that the NTOY people don't know what they're missing. I think George Clooney is attractive. I don't think he's an asshole for not dating me. We're both kind of busy.

I mean. Seriously.
But when people, guys in particular, set reasonable expectations for themselves, their dudebro friends will pile on the shit. The hot girl doesn't know what she's missing, and the perfectly normal, non-supermodel type is desperate.

When girls set reasonable expectations, they're desperate or slutty and that's just bullshit.

Lastly, more than anything else, you should realize that....


There is always, always someone in a similar situation. Quit obsessing. And if you can't quit obsessing, find a professional. 








Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Goooooooal!

Oh, goals. When you achieve them, it totally feels like this:
Unfortunately, I don't mean this kind of goal. 
I struggle with goal setting. Which I find ironic, since I'm a list maker of the highest caliber. Aren't goals just the culmination of checking off everything on a to-do list?

This is my to do list. It is actually much longer, but you don't need to know that I put things like "water flowers" and "check bank account" on it. .... oops.
Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable, and attainable. I don't remember where I first learned that, but it's true. My problem is that I can't always get all three things into a goal. 

I have a specific fitness goal right now: I want to be able to do an unassisted pull up by my 40th birthday which is only 10 months away (start saving your money for my present). 

I've had a few people cheer me on and a few more tell me not to be disappointed if I don't make it. This goal meets all three goal-setting qualities. My trainer helped me set that goal- she suggested it to me. I did not come up with this goal myself. But when I work out, I can keep this goal in mind. I have worked on some specific exercises to help reach this goal. 

I also have a weight loss goal. It's specific, it's measurable, it's attainable. When I didn't exercise, it was somewhat easy for me to lose weight. I dropped fat and muscle and didn't really know or care. When I started caring about fitness as opposed to weight loss, losing became more difficult. I've dropped 3% body fat in the past 8 months but it has been slow because I have been working on building muscle. It's been hard for me to adjust my thinking about these things. But as I'm writing this, I thought that maybe I should have a body fat goal instead. 

When it comes to work, it's hard to set goals. As a teacher, I'm happy with my job. I don't want to be an administrator. Good lord, no thank you. I like what I do. There is no moving up for me. I love the courses I teach, I love my employer, I am satisfied with the results I get. 

I could try to set a goal such as, "75% of my students will obtain a 3 or better on the AP exam this year." Specific and measurable, but attainable? Only part of it is within my control. I can't force my students to study. I can't control their willingness to complete the coursework. I can't make them focus on this course to the detriment of their other courses. And when 52% of the students taking the test in the entire nation reach that score of a 3, it's pretty hard to say that my students will exceed that by 23%. My students do exceed the national average already. 

I could say, "I'd like to be a better teacher." Specific, attainable, but what is the measurement? Is it those test scores? Also, what exactly goes into being a better teacher? Going back to school? All that would do for me is give me more work that isn't specific to teaching my course. It would take me away from my family which would stress me out and that would not make me a better teacher. 

For goals regarding my home life, I have one: declutter. Specific, not at all measurable, and considering I live with 3 male pack rats, not very attainable. I'm trying to remove one item per day that I don't use or need. Yesterday was the first day and so far I've been successful. I'm also spotting other things to remove. For now I'm sticking with one a day, though. 

What about you? Do you have any goals that you'd like to share? Has goal setting improved your life? 




Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I'm Judging You. (not you, personally, but that other person)

If You Let Your Teenage Daughter Sleep In On A School Day - at the New Yorker

I cannot handle this. I. CANNOT.

I get that it's supposed to be a joke about the children's book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.
I get it.

I'm judging this twofold.

1. As a parent. Don't let your punk-ass daughter sleep in on a school day. If she does, she's sick, and she stays home, in bed, all day. That's it. Full stop. You take her to lunch? You get her a haircut? Fuck no. That's what the weekend is for. Mom, you are a fucking pushover. You are a pathetic excuse for a parent.

I get it- she had lacrosse til all hours and then stayed up doing her homework. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she cried all night. Her best friend bought the same prom dress in a different color and a size smaller and now they're not speaking. Not only am I a mom now, but I was a teenage girl once. A horrible, awful, unbearably dramatic teenage girl.

And you know what I learned? Shit happens. But unless you are sick, you get your ass out of bed and go to school. That's how it works. You get your sorry ass to school.


2. As a teacher. I would bet this mom calls her daughter on her phone while she knows the daughter is in class and then when the daughter gets in trouble, the mom makes excuses. Then she talks shit about the teacher so the kid has no respect for the teacher- if there was any to begin with.

Please, mom, teach your daughter that education is important. That responsibilities and obligations are important. That if she's tired, she should go to bed earlier. If stuff happens, you're tired for a day, and then you take a nap when you get home. That if you prioritize, you can work on your essay over the course of 3 days instead of working on it 7 hours in one night.

Mom, teach your daughter how to be a reliable, responsible, valuable member of society. That's your job. I'm going to help you do that, but I can't do it alone. You have to show her how important it is.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Dress Codes and Shorts

This is my opinion. Agree, disagree, I don't care. Thoughtful interaction welcome. Wild flaming of original poster or commenters not welcome.

There's a lot of news out there about student dress codes. And there's a lot of writing under the feminist banner about how girls should be allowed to wear shorts as short as they want because it's not their job to dress so they don't distract boys.

I get that, I really do. Girls, you do you. Dress how you want. I mean, good lord almighty, for three years I was a woman in her mid 30s wearing booty shorts and skating derby in front of people. And I did not give the tiniest damn about what they thought of my butt.

However, I do not wear booty shorts at work. And kids, school is your job. One of the things that teachers study in their education prep (or at least I did) was the hidden curriculum.

http://edglossary.org/hidden-curriculum/   Hidden curriculum refers to the unwritten, unofficial, and often unintended lessons, values, and perspectives that students learn in school. While the “formal” curriculum consists of the courses, lessons, and learning activities students participate in, as well as the knowledge and skills educators intentionally teach to students, the hidden curriculum consists of the unspoken academic, cultural, and social messages that are communicated to students while they are in school.

The hidden curriculum is important. Sometimes the hidden curriculum is detrimental. If you go to the edglossary.org link, you can see examples of when the hidden curriculum is a problem because it reinforces social, economic, and social problems that may be endemic in a community.

However, the hidden curriculum can be beneficial. Schools are organized in a way that promote positive social interactions. High schools are the last step for many students on their way to their career. While some students will not go on to a professional white-collar work environment after they leave school, many of them will. Every student needs to learn how to behave in a professional environment.

I wish I could tell you that you're going to go out into the world and not be judged. But you are. And for both men and women alike, if you dress in a professional manner, people will more highly value what you do and what you say. I might have been just a kid in a suit, but for two years, I was a kid in a suit who had the ear of a Congressman. For two more years, I had the ear of the Vice Chair of the County Commission in one of the most populous counties in the US. And for two more years, I oversaw the yearly spending of more than half a million dollars in university funding on alumni programming.

I don't do any of those things anymore- for the past ten years I have had the ears of approximately 130 high school students a year plus my own two kids. But to me, the ears attached to more than a thousand young, developing heads, are far more important than the previous ears. Because the impact these kids will make is greater than that of the Congressman, or Commission, or alumni association.

And that is why I am here to tell you that dressing in a manner that adequately portrays what's inside your head is important. Don't let how you look distract from the importance of the message you are sending. I don't wake up every morning excited to once again oppress teenage boys and girls. I wake up excited to expand their minds and to learn more from them every day. I wake up hoping that whatever I am bringing to those students to engage with will light a spark of interest and ignite their curiosity in some aspect of the world around them.

I have heard complaints from female students who say it's too hot and I don't understand. Considering that I'm in the same building that you are in for an even longer period of time, I'm pretty sure I do understand. I like shorts.  Of all my body parts, I think I have some pretty outstanding legs. I'd love to wear shorts to school. But I don't, because it's not professional. Because my employer would warn me, then fire me.

I have heard complaints saying from female students saying that it's sexist toward females. I am 100% certain that if boys wore short shorts there would be rules against that, too. Dress code rules about keeping your pants pulled up and your underwear not showing are aimed toward males. I enforce keeping your pants pulled up and your shorts past fingertip length equally.

When you go to the beach, do not wear school appropriate clothing. Wear tiny bathing suits. Be proud of your body.

When you go to your job, do not wear school appropriate clothing. Dress for your job whether you are a camp counselor and your job is wearing and applying bug repellent all day, mowing lawns, or scooping ice cream.

I am not saying:

  • Dress like a clone
  • Dress like a 40 year old
  • Wear a uniform
  • The 1950s were great
  • Girls should be oppressed
  • Style is for suckers
  • Wear clothing that is too big
I am saying: 
  • Dress appropriately for your environment
  • When school is out, wear whatever fits your environment
  • Your teachers are not thinking about sex if they ask you to pull your pants up (males) or your shorts/skirts down at the bottom (females)
  • Dress in your own style
It is possible that rules exist because your teachers and administrators care about you and want you to succeed in school and in life. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

...and then you have a garden.

I always thought gardening was this bucolic, back to nature thing that I would do, and little bluebirds would alight in my hair as my tulips sprung from the ground in an array of Monet-like watercolors.

It did not turn out that way at all.

Once upon a time, we bought this wee little house. It had wee little gardens. I planted stuff. It grew. Sort of. I didn't do a great job. Because here's the thing that they don't tell you- you have to work at it all the fucking time.

The really pretty flowers, the ones that look like, you know, flowers, only last for one year. Those are your annuals. You have to plant new ones every year. Every year.

This is NOT my house.


The method I employ is the I-don't-want-to-spend-a-thousand-dollars-every-spring-on-flowers method. Also known as the "Is this a perennial?" method.

These are hostas. I don't love them, but they are perennials, they are large, and they take up space.


After the wee house, we moved to South Carolina. We lived in an apartment, no gardening, life was good. But we had the itch of the American dream, and bought a house. Gardening ensued. I tried to grow some zucchini, but it didn't work out. I grew a wisteria in a ridiculously successful way and it smelled amazing. I wanted to put rock down as my sort of mulch, but as it turns out, rocks hold heat, and that bakes your plants. So I bought some plants that were good in the desert, and those worked out for me. I asked a lot of questions at a lot of places that sold plants.

Then we moved to Virginia, and rented a house. It was a new house, it was a rental, there was no landscaping to keep up. Laziness ruled the day.

Then we bought our current house, the money pit with an amazing view. Seriously, it's an amazing view. Anyway, the money pit has a yard to end all yards. It's a damn big yard. Luckily, I do not mow. That is Agent N's job as of last year. He gets paid when he does it.

There is so much landscaping. Some is in the sun. Some is part sun. Some is shady. If you are new to the gardening game, you should know that different plants grow in different amounts of sun. Some grow in shade. Some need a lot of sun. Some like both.

Then there's the vegetable garden. I like zucchini and yellow squash. Also basil. Year one- I thought I'd grow some. I grew some, I was moderately successful. My garden was kind of full of weeds, though. I'm not much for weeding. The landscaping looked like shit. I didn't even know what I was doing, and I didn't know what was there before, so I let stuff grow to figure out if it was good. We put down so much mulch. Mulch is heavy. It's supposed to cut back on the weeds, but be warned, it does not do the whole job. You will still have to pull weeds.

I use this to weed- it helps you get the roots out.


I spent a large portion of the fall cutting back bushes that ran away with themselves, and digging out an enormous amount of some sort of plant that grew taller than me. That's not a joke.

Year two, the plant that was taller than me came back, but there was slightly less of it. We put down more mulch. We rented a tiller for the garden. I grew a ton of zucchini, squash, some beans, and a few tomatoes. I tried to grow spinach, but it never grew. Not even a little bit. I successfully split some hostas. I planted some groundcover that didn't do so well. I was kind of pissed. I had put it a shit ton (technical term) of work that did not pay off. Because motherfucking gardening never ends. I still spend the fall cutting back bushes, but at least this time I knew it was going to happen.

I had this vision of sitting back on the deck with a sweet tea and admiring my work. NOPE.

Year three (present day):  This year, I bought a hand tiller for $30 compared to last year's $70 rental. How hard could it be? 2 hours of tilling the garden by hand and I was sweating more than when I work out. But it's already paid for itself because it's cheaper, I guess. I planted spinach this year because it's a superfood and I eat it every day. It's actually growing. The groundcover I planted last year is already growing, despite the winter of doom. The hostas need to be split again. The bushes already need to be cut back. I may or may not have killed the holly bush by cutting it too far back, but those leaves hurt like a son of a bitch so go ahead and die, asshole bush. I dug out the ugly rosebush in front of the house. The hydrangea I planted last year is coming back in a big way. The weeds bigger than me are slightly less this year. I'm pretty sure I won't get rid of them completely without a flamethrower.

All that, done. It's not even June.

The stupid garden, it's growing on me (see what I did there?).