Who has time for fancy nail polish?

I'm going to go back to this. Right? We'll see.

Anyway, this came up on Pinterest today:

Pic from NY Magazine

And I'm grossed out. I love MAC and all the random stuff they do, but this looks like she didn't take off all her black nail polish and then poorly painted beige on top. I like the idea of beige with black tips- I think that could be cool if done properly. Which means I won't be wearing this look any time soon. If you are not like me and you have too much time on your hands (heh heh- see what I did there?) then go ahead and get down with this. Instructions are here.

In general, Pinterest nails are stupid.

No. http://styleinfashionz.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/fruit_nail_art.jpg

Nail treatment (clipped to polyvore.com)
Again, NO.

Seriously, who has time for this? AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT. These aren't even the worst offenders, but I couldn't find the nail that had Santa in a chimney painted across all 5 nails. 

And yes, I know that most of these women have someone doing their nails for them, but who has time to sit there like that? 

This is doable. You know why? It's a top coat. The end. The Hipster Mom

I'm the World's Worst Blogger

Not quite schizophrenic, not quite sane

As I've mentioned, we bought a house back in November. It's a lovely house, but it needs work. Particularly in the decorating department. If that were all, though, it would be easy. It could also use a new roof. That being the more essential issue for the time being although we are dragging our feet, like only someone faced with an impending $8,000+ home repair can do.


However, this gives me lots of time to be as schizophrenic as possible when it comes to decorating plans. To begin with, Pinterest has put so, so many ideas out there that it's a little like the first time I went into a Sephora. I was in Manhattan (the one and only time, but hopefully not the last), it was 1999 and I bought a... lotion? Lipstick? I don't even remember. I planned to buy lots of things, but I was so overwhelmed by the unbelievable selection, I didn't buy much of anything at all.

This is not my kitchen

Back to the house. I have the opportunity to completely redecorate it in a style of my own choosing. Floor to ceiling. All I know is that I want wide plank, dark stained wood floors in my dining room & kitchen. However, the rest of me is not interested in rustic. And, (this is really important) our appliances- stove, fridge, dishwasher- are all black. Not a hint of stainless anywhere.


The other thing I know for certain is that I don't like our ceilings. First of all, the edges are coming untaped. Or something. I don't even know. Secondly, they're textured (not popcorn) but sponged? Who knows. Anyway, I like smooth ceilings, which pretty much don't exist any more. And when I google things like "how to fix ceilings" or "how to remodel ceilings" I get articles like this one from HGTV: How to Install a drywall ceiling, which says, and I quote Acoustic panels or other ceiling treatments can be replaced easily by a drywall ceiling, giving your room a more streamlined look. Easily? BAHAHAHAHAHA. I own like 5 of the recommended supplies, and that includes a straight edge and a hammer. 


Also good to know- while I like to remodel things, I don't have a lot of practice at it. Except for painting, I'm pretty good at that. But otherwise, no. I'm not an expert at refinishing furniture. Or at painting cabinets which I'd like to do. Or replacing ceilings.


And I hate re-doing things. I want to do it once and be done with it. I don't want to paint something, have it be wrong, and paint it again. The idea does NOT appeal to me.


I like things to look comfortable, but polished. Here's my pinterest house board: In My House and it's really disorganized. When I started using Pinterest it was really early in its creation because a good friend of mine who is always in on the ground floor of things told me about it. I think reorganizing might be a waste of time, I don't know.


And so I sit here and stare at the walls which are wallpapered and then painted over, and think about how tired I'll be when we actually start remodeling. And how for now, I'm already tired and I haven't even painted the front door like I planned.

The ants have arrived.

Sports Guy and I bought a house back in November. It's a lovely house with an even more lovely view.

Yes, it's instagrammed. I like it.

In the pic you can't even see the mountains off to the right. But they're there. You can see the cows, though. They're not ours. But we do have cows for neighbors.

The location of this house would have qualified us for a rural loan from the US Dept. of Agriculture, but we make too much (in what universe?) so we went through the regular business.

We had the usual new-to-us problems. The wallpaper was ugly...

This was the paper in Agent N's room. Not quite appropriate for a 9 year old boy.

And then when we took it down, it turned out that they had glued it directly to the drywall, causing us to actually rip out chunks of drywall.

Screw you, wallpaper!

But, we survived. Winter came & went, and it was fairly mild, all was right with the world. Spring arrives, we retrieve the screens from the shed and attempt to wash them. Sports Guy turned on the only outdoor spigot (only one, really) and a little water comes out, but not a lot. Agent N comes screaming into the garage, "Mom! There's water running in the basement!" ... the pipes had cracked (no, we did not leave a hose hooked up, thanks, it cracked because it hates us)  and the water was leaking into the basement. The finished basement. The basement with ceilings like the ones upstairs. So when the plumber came, he had to cut a hole in the ceiling. Luckily, it's a small hole, and I don't give a damn, so it's still there.

As the weather has warmed up, the animals have awakened. The cows had babies and they're SO CUTE. I have no pictures of baby cows. Sorry.

And the ants have woken up. OHOLYCRAP the ants have woken up. So have the flies and the gnats. I now present to you the stages of life with insects:

1. Oh, hey, there's some bugs. I'm gonna put out some traps.
2. OH HELL NO YOU DON'T. Ant poison procured. Solutions researched on the internet & implemented. 
3. Inform Sports Guy that he needs to find an exterminator because I have done all the insect elimination myself & he could pick up a phone for me. Exterminator chides me for leaves next to house foundation. I'm pretty sure that's not the only source of ants, but I clear them away anyway. 
4. ... false sense of security... it appears the ants are gone...
5. WHAT THE F!!!???!!! Ants continue the Bataan Death March, I continue to exterminate on own, while paying exterminator. I start killing ants with bare fingers because I just don't care anymore.
6. Ants declare victory, throw party on deck even though I haven't had a chance to throw party there myself. I die from ant poisoning.

Troll Ant mocks me

Save Yourself the Embarassment: a guide to teacher gifts

It's Teacher Appreciation Week.... as a teacher who used to be in a classroom and was on the receiving end of many a gift, here's a rough idea about things to get and *not* get your kids teacher this year whether it's this week, or the end of the year. Also, I'm not saying you have to get your teacher anything. Most people don't! But if you are planning to do something, here's a way to not embarrass yourself.

A quick Google search shows this: http://shop.cafepress.com/gift-for-teacher ... unless you know your teacher has a desire to collect the most bad mugs ever, don't buy her or him a mug. Note: I'm a female, & my kids have female teachers. I'm using the female pronoun. It's not sexist, it's factual. She has 100, and only uses 1 to hold her pencils. The myth of the teacher as endless coffee drinker is just that: a myth. She has to stay in the classroom all day so she probably has 1 to keep herself awake (or a Diet Coke) and then it's water if it's anything at all. Teachers are the most dehydrated people I know. If you drink something, you have to pee, and you can't leave your room with a bunch of students in it. Where do you think those stories about kids having sex in the classroom come from?

Second, do not get some personalized poem. Just save everyone the trouble. This is awful.

Third, no candles... UNLESS that candle is from an easily recognized source (Bath & Body Works, Yankee Candle) AND... and this is the most important part... it can be easily exchanged. She may only like one smell from there, and wouldn't you rather she actually use the gift you give her? What you think stinks might be her favorite smell!

Fourth, nothing that takes up space on her desk. No "super cute" name signs or #1 teacher things or anything that needs to be dusted & moved & knocked over by students. It will go on a shelf where all the other little trinkety gifts go and she won't remember who gave it to her in a year or two.

Fifth, NOTHING WITH APPLES. Don't make me say this twice.

Sixth, no alcohol. Unless you know her personally outside of just teaching your kid & are willing to give it to her outside of school. You don't want her to lose her job, do you?

Seventh, no food. She gets lots of food and she probably takes a bite & throws it away. UNLESS.... you own a bakery & it's what you do for a living. Once, I had a student whose father owned a Greek restaurant. Baklava? Yes, please!

Now for the part you've been waiting for... what do you get your teacher? 

1. A note from the kid or if the kid is too small, a note from you. This is free. I have a box I keep my notes in & I've never thrown one away. Even now that I teach online, I've had a couple emailed and I print them off & save them. I just read through them the other day and may have gotten a little something in my eye.

If your child is writing the note, don't supervise them. Let them write whatever they want. Maybe they have a special joke with the teacher or if they're small they think the coolest thing ever would be to invite the teacher to come over. Don't worry, she won't take them up on it, but it's from the heart.

2. A gift card... Teachers spend hundreds of their own dollars every year in the classroom.  Even $5 to a local book store or to Target or Books A Million goes a long way. Try to make it a pretty generic store- if you don't know, get a mall gift card that she can use anywhere in the mall. Also good- a gift card to the local teacher's supply store. Those places are usually overpriced, but there are things there you can't get anywhere else.

3. A memory stick/thumb drive/jump drive... whatever you call them. Especially good for middle & high school teachers. They always need more memory and if nothing else, they can loan it out to a student.

4. A care package... I like to start the school year by giving the teacher a gift bag with a travel size bottle of Advil, hand sanitizer, crackers, Hershey's Kisses and other small pre-wrapped foods, pencils, pens, highlighters, post-its, stickers. Teacher's often get stuck in their classroom when they should be eating & sometimes those tiny snacks save a teacher's sanity!

5. A nice travel kit... I had a student get me a lovely monogrammed small toiletry kit. I love it, I still use it, I still think of her when I do. Along the same lines- if you know the teacher fairly well & have a sense of her style, a nice lunch bag is also welcomed.

6. If you're looking for a high-end gift because this particular teacher has been downright amazing and your kid has been a hellion (and you know it) .... get her a gift certificate to a spa. Make sure it covers a massage, but don't actually book it for her. She may hate massages and only want a pedicure or whatever.

7. Classroom supplies- teachers always buy the cheapest stuff out there because it's going to get destroyed. It's always nice when a parent knows that that sort of thing happens. It's nice if you get her funky stuff for her own use- color pens, Sharpies, post-it notes in pretty colors. If you really want to make her happy, ask her what she needs for the kids. If it's paper, college or wide ruled? Pencils? A new pencil sharpener? Construction paper? Glue? A certain type of scissors?

8. Remember that note? That's the most important thing she will get from you. Acknowledge everything she's done. Make it personal. Wish her well. If you really loved her, write one to her supervisor.

Egg Muffins

Last week's body image post has led to this one: even if I don't lose weight, I'll be damned if I'm not trying to eat healthfully.

Does that mean I didn't drink beer last weekend at the beer festival I worked at? Heck no. I had 3. 

I will share with you now the deliciousness that I just made for lunch. I've been eating more eggs- they're full of protein & all that. More accurately, I've been eating more egg whites. And I work at home, so I have occasion to mix stuff and bake it while I work. If you don't have that time, you could always spend a wee bit of time on the weekend & make some of these to reheat through the week.  Update: These are even better on day 2!

Also, if you're on weight watchers (again) these have 2 points each according to the new points plus (tm and all that). 

Thereby, I present to you: Egg Muffins!

• 6 whole eggs- I used large. They were on sale, 2 doz. for a dollar at Food Lion. Yay!
• 6 egg whites... let me give you a recommendation- separate the egg whites first. If you have any mistakes, you can just toss it in and count it toward the egg count. You probably already knew that, though. 
• 1 Tablespoon flour- I don't know why, but I read that about it in a recipe at Polyface Farms website I guess it holds stuff together.
• 1/4 cup milk
• Salt & pepper
• 1 cup feta cheese - I used reduced fat- if you use regular, make sure you account for it if you're watching that sort of thing.
• 3/4ish cup cooked spinach which started out frozen
• 1 tomato, chopped up

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Pop frozen spinach in microwave
3. Whisk together the egg whites & eggs, milk, flour, salt & pepper.
4. Cut up the tomato & mix in gently
5. Allow the spinach to cool a bit & add that in
6. Add in feta
7. Spray muffin tin with cooking spray & pour in mixture
8. Cook at 350 about 35-40 minutes!
9. Eat your healthy AND delicious meal!

After I made these, I realized a few things....

• Full-fat feta would probably work better. Either that, or more low-fat feta. Because more cheese always = more delicious.
• Next time I'm probably going to cook up some turkey bacon and dice it up and put it in. Because mmm, bacon.

I love my body?

Yes, a question mark. My body does amazing things. Things it couldn't do a few years ago. For example:

• 15 push ups on my toes (probably more, the truth is, I haven't tried).
• Hold a plank on my toes for 1 minute 15 seconds.
• Skate 25 laps in less than 4 minutes.
• Squat, squat, do more squats, and then squat more.
• Carry Agent N on my back (he is about 70 lbs!)

But I am still a big girl.

When I joined roller derby, I saw it as a place where big girls were GOOD. Big was beneficial. Basic physics says that force = mass x acceleration. I have more mass than you and I have decent acceleration therefore I have more force.


But the more I play, the more I see these teeny tiny players getting amazing and I'm still a thorn in their collective sides, but.... but I don't know. I'm fast. I'm the fastest blocker on my team. I'm faster than some of our jammers. I'm proud of this! I am! But damnit if I don't want to look like them.

I want to fit in a smaller size. That's all. It's vanity. It's self doubt. It's not accepting who I am right now. If I died tomorrow, they wouldn't say "she was fat" at the funeral. Right? I mean, please tell me they wouldn't. They would say that I was a mom, a teacher, a derby girl. That I gave 100% in everything I did (except cleaning the house). That sometimes I got angry when other people weren't willing to believe in themselves.

Oh. hey. Let me think about that one.

DIY: art for small boys

Agent X and Agent N have a bathroom that is largely their own. It's pretty boring- all tan. It has an awesome world map shower curtain but that's about all.

I bought some canvas at Michael's that was in a value pack kind of thing, and saw an awesome project on Pinterest.

It was really simple, and the boys got to help make art for their bathroom! It was also messy, so do it outside. (note: the lighting in the bathroom was kind of yellowish so I brightened this picture up with Photoshop)

1. get some bubbles & some food coloring.

2. Put the bubbles into 4 small bowls. Add all of the food coloring. You need a lot of food coloring to make the bubbles show up.

3. Let kids blow bubbles onto the canvases. Do this right before bath time. Food coloring will stain skin for a little while & the quicker you get it off, the less time your kids will have blue lips & fingers.

4. Let dry. I let these dry a week- they were actually dry long before that, but I wanted to cover them with a clear coat and not have it make the bubbles run.

5. Spray with clear spray paint.

6. Hang on the wall and admire!

I'm back...

I started this site a year-ish ago. I didn't post much because I'm one of those people who can't help but name names.

I don't want to embarrass my friends & family, so I backed off.

But I'm back. I have a lot to say. Mostly about kids, crafting, and roller derby.

This morning I heard that a work colleague's 16 month old daughter died yesterday. All the information I have is that she was in an accident & died very shortly after. I never met the child (I've only met her dad once, teaching online and all) but I'm heartbroken none the less. Life is fleeting.