Adulting at a High Level

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait to grow up. 100% of the best part of growing up is making your own decisions.

Eat breakfast food all the time? Yes. Pancakes all the time. Delicious.

Go on vacation wherever you want? Yes.

Wear whatever you want? Yes.

Have a messy room? Why not?

Refuse to make your bed? Doesn't matter.

Fail to clean the bathroom every Saturday? Still get to go out.

Today, I'm sitting here while sweaty dudes make very loud noises on my roof. Today they're tearing the old one off. The rest of the week they'll be putting a new one on. What you don't realize as a kid is that there's a sense of satisfaction in knowing that as an adult, you can order a major home improvement project. And the feeling of accomplishment in knowing that you can pay for it.

My bed isn't made. My clothes aren't put away. I had a bagel for breakfast because pancakes are a pain in the butt. I didn't clean the bathroom this weekend. I'm wearing a t-shirt and spandex shorts because I'm going to work out in a couple of hours and there's no purpose in getting something else dirty beforehand.

All those things I learned to do as a kid, I'm ignoring. Regardless, I'm still acting like an adult at a pretty high level.

Adulthood is BULLSHIT or, I have a midlife crisis

You, my friend, you have been lied to.

By everyone.

I don't want this to be true, but it is. 

Here's the lie: 

If you work hard and are a good person, everything will be fine. 

Bullshit, my friends. 

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

But people don't say this.

1. Most people don't want to admit that they're running on the hamster wheel of life. 
2. Some people just don't care. 
3. Some people really are happy with where they are and what they've become. note: you can't ask them for the secret because here's the secret- everyone is different. 

Here's how it works:

You bust your ass in school to go to a good college or get a good job. I'm here to tell you not everyone should go to college, but that's another post.

Let's say you choose the college track. You go to college, you incur debt, you graduate. Maybe you don't go into debt you lucky son of a biscuit, but I did.

I laughed so hard I cried. It's funny because it's true.

You work, you realize that the career you chose as an 18 year old who isn't yet old enough to drink legally is not one you want to do for the rest of your sentient days on the earth.

You change fields. Maybe you go back to school. Maybe you become an intern at age 28 because you want to do something else but don't have experience. Maybe you take a job that doesn't even require a degree.

You find a job. You might love it. You might hate it. You keep doing it anyway. 

You keep paying that loan. If you went back to school, you pay on the 2nd one. You realize you'll be in your 50s by the time they are paid off.

Along the way, you may find someone to love. If you do and you are able to make it legal, the first thing people ask is when you're going to have kids.

If you don't find someone to love, you are pressured by everyone, everywhere, all the time, to find that person.


Somewhere along the way you buy a house. Houses are a lot of work, even if they're in good condition. The upkeep can be a little oppressive. You might have an ant problem, little fuckers.

nightmare fodder, right here. 

And then you realize- this is it. This is what I've worked hard for all of my life.

And then you realize- this is it. Is this it? Why is this it? Is there more? Am I an asshole for wanting there to be more? 

This, my friends, is what they call a mid-life crisis. I judge them. I condemn those that call it a crisis. The day I stop questioning all there is the day I die.

Why are we expected to have all these life changes and major upheavals and then suddenly settle down and relax? By the time we figure out how to deal with all the change life throws at us, we are supposed to just peacefully pull weeds and drink tea?

There's no conclusion to this post... not yet. Stay tuned for more on my..


(does that accurately convey irony?)

I'M STILL TEACHING.

This is the time of year when teachers leave their classrooms.

Some for a month or two. Usually they're back in a classroom of some sort for continuing ed over the summer, but it's not their classroom.

Some forever.

The Tough Decision To Leave the Classroom: from I am J Wal

Why I'm Leaving at United Opt Out.com

And Jason Pittman who reached national prominence with his story on This American Life, a year ago.  (PS: a personal note on this- don't talk about him on the TAL page on Facebook or he will send you a private message full of snide remarks about your finances, whether or not your husband makes enough to support your vanity job of teaching, and your actual ability to teach. True story. I'm actually glad this asshole is out of the classroom.)

When thinking about this post, I looked for blogs on why to stay. The best one: Why I Teach. It's not an individual, it's a collection of stories. It's inspirational. 

me, while reading the Why I Teach stories.

Why I Stay: 

I've taught the whole spectrum of students: poor, rich, English speakers, non-English speakers, college level courses to 15 year olds, and during the very next class I've taught 16 year olds reading on a 2nd grade level. 

I've been cried on and spit on. 

I've been swung at and hugged. 

I've been loved and hated. 

I've watched some kids rise and others fall. 

I've cried and laughed with my students. 

I've had wonderful administrators and horrible administrators. 

I've loved and hated my job. 

I've done many things well and I've made epic mistakes. 

Before teaching, I've worked for private businesses, public universities, and government institutions. And I know that I took a pay cut to teach. But I also know that when people say that you are respected in the business world, they are full of shit. I am afforded equal amounts of respect as a teacher as I was doing anything else. 

Not as much as I deserve:  that's how much respect I used to get and it's how much I get today. 

I did not feel more valued as a human outside of teaching. People are more open about their disrespect now- teachers can be openly disrespected, especially by parents. But disrespect is endemic in our society and nothing I did in the non-teaching sector made me feel any more respected. 

Most important than the respect of others, I value myself more highly as a teacher. 

A lot of these blogs about people leaving the classroom mention that they are award winning. I've won an award or two. Mainly I'm award nominated. I don't win a lot of awards. I don't try to. 

Leo feels my pain.

When I was in college, I thought I wanted to work in politics. I did for a while. The rush from campaigning was awesome. The day to day operations were tedious. 

That rush and the lack of it led me to change jobs every 2 years for a while. I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. And now I'm finishing my 9th year teaching, virtual or otherwise. 

It's fun for me. It's a rush. 

Everyday is an election: will they vote to learn? 

Every day I'm the majority whip: you better vote to learn! If you don't know what the whip is, I'm sorry you didn't pay attention in government class. Now go look it up.

Just like the whip, I have strategies. Will they need coddling? Coercion? Threats? Bribes?

Some days I use the right tactics and I win the battle. Some days I don't and I lose the battle. But the battle is not between me and them. I'm on their side. The battle is between me and everything else vying for their attention. 

Friends. Enemies. Parent pressure. Hunger. Abuse. Peer pressure. Violence. Gangs. Family issues. Expectations. Anxiety. Boredom. Technology. Alcohol. Sex. Drugs. Rock & roll. 

Despite losing battles, I win the war every year. 

Do I always follow the rules? You've heard the saying, "All's fair in love and war" ... right? 

I'm going to keep fighting the battles until I am carted off the field. My students will salute me and say that I always fought on their side. 

Nerd guys, jock guys, all kinds of guys. #yesallwomen

There are countless posts about that guy that killed his roommates and then some women because he was involuntarily celibate (his words).

Shooter Leaves Digital Trail - in case you don't have the story.

And then I've read two great responses to this from guys who somewhat identified with the killer:
Overcome Your Programming
Your Princess Is In Another Castle: Misogyny, Entitlement, and Nerds

Let's start at the beginning: To have a good relationship, whether friendship, dating, marriage, whatever, both parties have to be on the same level.

Guys, if you like her more than she likes you, it won't work.
Girls, if you like him more than he likes you, it won't work.

I have been on both ends of this equation. I have really liked a guy (multiple times) who was not at all into me in that way. And I have been really liked by guys who I have not wanted to make out with.

No one is entitled to anything. I didn't realize that the hardest thing to teach my kids is this: your body is your own. No one else's. And when someone says stop, you stop. This is true whether you are arm wrestling or kissing.

As a teacher, I have seen and will continue to see the self-proclaimed "nice guy" who never has a date. I have seen and will continue to see the hot girls that every guy thinks they should go out with.

Not everyone is like this, so read the following with the understanding that I am going to make some generalizations. This is drawn from years of talking with kids who have confided in me about their personal issues.

When a girl likes a guy and he doesn't like her back, her response is to wonder what she did wrong. She wonders: am I too fat? Too skinny? Too tan? Too pale? Too smart? Too dumb? Too blonde? Not blonde enough? And then she sets out to fix those things for him. 

When a guy likes a girl and she doesn't like him in return, his response is to project what he sees as being wrong with her. She's dumb, she's fat, she's a slut, she only wants a rich guy, she's racist. Not all guys, but a lot of guys. Nice guys. Quiet guys. Smart guys. Dumb guys.

Here's the thing: if you complain about your lot in life and don't do anything about it, that is your problem. I hear stories of the nice guys who are so busy complaining and bemoaning their lack of hot girlfriend that they don't realize that the perfectly nice and also attractive girl is willing to date you.

What if that girl set out to fix things for herself? What if she is happy the way she is and she just realized that guy wasn't a good fit for her?

What if that guy set out to fix some things for himself? And what if he realized that he's fine the way he is and that girl just isn't a good fit for him?

When we set realistic expectation for ourselves in other areas of our lives, our peers (usually) don't give us shit. I don't want to be national teacher of the year. I just want to be good at what I do. My friends don't give me shit for that. They don't say that the NTOY people don't know what they're missing. I think George Clooney is attractive. I don't think he's an asshole for not dating me. We're both kind of busy.

I mean. Seriously.

But when people, guys in particular, set reasonable expectations for themselves, their dudebro friends will pile on the shit. The hot girl doesn't know what she's missing, and the perfectly normal, non-supermodel type is desperate.

When girls set reasonable expectations, they're desperate or slutty and that's just bullshit.

Lastly, more than anything else, you should realize that....

There is always, always someone in a similar situation. Quit obsessing. And if you can't quit obsessing, find a professional. 

Goooooooal!

Oh, goals. When you achieve them, it totally feels like this:

Unfortunately, I don't mean this kind of goal. 

I struggle with goal setting. Which I find ironic, since I'm a list maker of the highest caliber. Aren't goals just the culmination of checking off everything on a to-do list?

This is my to do list. It is actually much longer, but you don't need to know that I put things like "water flowers" and "check bank account" on it. .... oops.

Goals are supposed to be specific, measurable, and attainable. I don't remember where I first learned that, but it's true. My problem is that I can't always get all three things into a goal. 

I have a specific fitness goal right now: I want to be able to do an unassisted pull up by my 40th birthday which is only 10 months away (start saving your money for my present). 

I've had a few people cheer me on and a few more tell me not to be disappointed if I don't make it. This goal meets all three goal-setting qualities. My trainer helped me set that goal- she suggested it to me. I did not come up with this goal myself. But when I work out, I can keep this goal in mind. I have worked on some specific exercises to help reach this goal. 

I also have a weight loss goal. It's specific, it's measurable, it's attainable. When I didn't exercise, it was somewhat easy for me to lose weight. I dropped fat and muscle and didn't really know or care. When I started caring about fitness as opposed to weight loss, losing became more difficult. I've dropped 3% body fat in the past 8 months but it has been slow because I have been working on building muscle. It's been hard for me to adjust my thinking about these things. But as I'm writing this, I thought that maybe I should have a body fat goal instead. 

When it comes to work, it's hard to set goals. As a teacher, I'm happy with my job. I don't want to be an administrator. Good lord, no thank you. I like what I do. There is no moving up for me. I love the courses I teach, I love my employer, I am satisfied with the results I get. 

I could try to set a goal such as, "75% of my students will obtain a 3 or better on the AP exam this year." Specific and measurable, but attainable? Only part of it is within my control. I can't force my students to study. I can't control their willingness to complete the coursework. I can't make them focus on this course to the detriment of their other courses. And when 52% of the students taking the test in the entire nation reach that score of a 3, it's pretty hard to say that my students will exceed that by 23%. My students do exceed the national average already. 

I could say, "I'd like to be a better teacher." Specific, attainable, but what is the measurement? Is it those test scores? Also, what exactly goes into being a better teacher? Going back to school? All that would do for me is give me more work that isn't specific to teaching my course. It would take me away from my family which would stress me out and that would not make me a better teacher. 

For goals regarding my home life, I have one: declutter. Specific, not at all measurable, and considering I live with 3 male pack rats, not very attainable. I'm trying to remove one item per day that I don't use or need. Yesterday was the first day and so far I've been successful. I'm also spotting other things to remove. For now I'm sticking with one a day, though. 

What about you? Do you have any goals that you'd like to share? Has goal setting improved your life? 

I'm Judging You. (not you, personally, but that other person)

If You Let Your Teenage Daughter Sleep In On A School Day - at the New Yorker

I cannot handle this. I. CANNOT.

I get that it's supposed to be a joke about the children's book If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.
I get it.

I'm judging this twofold.

1. As a parent. Don't let your punk-ass daughter sleep in on a school day. If she does, she's sick, and she stays home, in bed, all day. That's it. Full stop. You take her to lunch? You get her a haircut? Fuck no. That's what the weekend is for. Mom, you are a fucking pushover. You are a pathetic excuse for a parent.

I get it- she had lacrosse til all hours and then stayed up doing her homework. Her boyfriend broke up with her and she cried all night. Her best friend bought the same prom dress in a different color and a size smaller and now they're not speaking. Not only am I a mom now, but I was a teenage girl once. A horrible, awful, unbearably dramatic teenage girl.

And you know what I learned? Shit happens. But unless you are sick, you get your ass out of bed and go to school. That's how it works. You get your sorry ass to school.


2. As a teacher. I would bet this mom calls her daughter on her phone while she knows the daughter is in class and then when the daughter gets in trouble, the mom makes excuses. Then she talks shit about the teacher so the kid has no respect for the teacher- if there was any to begin with.

Please, mom, teach your daughter that education is important. That responsibilities and obligations are important. That if she's tired, she should go to bed earlier. If stuff happens, you're tired for a day, and then you take a nap when you get home. That if you prioritize, you can work on your essay over the course of 3 days instead of working on it 7 hours in one night.

Mom, teach your daughter how to be a reliable, responsible, valuable member of society. That's your job. I'm going to help you do that, but I can't do it alone. You have to show her how important it is.

Dress Codes and Shorts

This is my opinion. Agree, disagree, I don't care. Thoughtful interaction welcome. Wild flaming of original poster or commenters not welcome.

There's a lot of news out there about student dress codes. And there's a lot of writing under the feminist banner about how girls should be allowed to wear shorts as short as they want because it's not their job to dress so they don't distract boys.

I get that, I really do. Girls, you do you. Dress how you want. I mean, good lord almighty, for three years I was a woman in her mid 30s wearing booty shorts and skating derby in front of people. And I did not give the tiniest damn about what they thought of my butt.

However, I do not wear booty shorts at work. And kids, school is your job. One of the things that teachers study in their education prep (or at least I did) was the hidden curriculum.

http://edglossary.org/hidden-curriculum/   Hidden curriculum refers to the unwritten, unofficial, and often unintended lessons, values, and perspectives that students learn in school. While the “formal” curriculum consists of the courses, lessons, and learning activities students participate in, as well as the knowledge and skills educators intentionally teach to students, the hidden curriculum consists of the unspoken academic, cultural, and social messages that are communicated to students while they are in school.

The hidden curriculum is important. Sometimes the hidden curriculum is detrimental. If you go to the edglossary.org link, you can see examples of when the hidden curriculum is a problem because it reinforces social, economic, and social problems that may be endemic in a community.

However, the hidden curriculum can be beneficial. Schools are organized in a way that promote positive social interactions. High schools are the last step for many students on their way to their career. While some students will not go on to a professional white-collar work environment after they leave school, many of them will. Every student needs to learn how to behave in a professional environment.

I wish I could tell you that you're going to go out into the world and not be judged. But you are. And for both men and women alike, if you dress in a professional manner, people will more highly value what you do and what you say. I might have been just a kid in a suit, but for two years, I was a kid in a suit who had the ear of a Congressman. For two more years, I had the ear of the Vice Chair of the County Commission in one of the most populous counties in the US. And for two more years, I oversaw the yearly spending of more than half a million dollars in university funding on alumni programming.

I don't do any of those things anymore- for the past ten years I have had the ears of approximately 130 high school students a year plus my own two kids. But to me, the ears attached to more than a thousand young, developing heads, are far more important than the previous ears. Because the impact these kids will make is greater than that of the Congressman, or Commission, or alumni association.

And that is why I am here to tell you that dressing in a manner that adequately portrays what's inside your head is important. Don't let how you look distract from the importance of the message you are sending. I don't wake up every morning excited to once again oppress teenage boys and girls. I wake up excited to expand their minds and to learn more from them every day. I wake up hoping that whatever I am bringing to those students to engage with will light a spark of interest and ignite their curiosity in some aspect of the world around them.

I have heard complaints from female students who say it's too hot and I don't understand. Considering that I'm in the same building that you are in for an even longer period of time, I'm pretty sure I do understand. I like shorts.  Of all my body parts, I think I have some pretty outstanding legs. I'd love to wear shorts to school. But I don't, because it's not professional. Because my employer would warn me, then fire me.

I have heard complaints saying from female students saying that it's sexist toward females. I am 100% certain that if boys wore short shorts there would be rules against that, too. Dress code rules about keeping your pants pulled up and your underwear not showing are aimed toward males. I enforce keeping your pants pulled up and your shorts past fingertip length equally.

When you go to the beach, do not wear school appropriate clothing. Wear tiny bathing suits. Be proud of your body.

When you go to your job, do not wear school appropriate clothing. Dress for your job whether you are a camp counselor and your job is wearing and applying bug repellent all day, mowing lawns, or scooping ice cream.

I am not saying:

• Dress like a clone
• Dress like a 40 year old
• Wear a uniform
• The 1950s were great
• Girls should be oppressed
• Style is for suckers
• Wear clothing that is too big

I am saying: 

• Dress appropriately for your environment
• When school is out, wear whatever fits your environment
• Your teachers are not thinking about sex if they ask you to pull your pants up (males) or your shorts/skirts down at the bottom (females)
• Dress in your own style

It is possible that rules exist because your teachers and administrators care about you and want you to succeed in school and in life.